Oct 31, 2012 11:30pm PDT
are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including new york city below 39th street. in new jersey, the national guard has been sent in to rescue more than 20,000 trapped hoboken residents. 100 homes burned to the ground in breezy point, queens. the largest single fire in new york city history. an entire town on the jersey shore has been submerged. it's an unimaginable tragedy where the scope of the damage is still unfolding. for those fortunate enough to be watching this show tonight, i urge you to visit redcross.org to find out how you can assist those in need. spoiler alert: it's money. (laughter) i'd also like to single out some heroes. like the nurses at n.y.u. hospital. (cheers and applause) after the hospital's generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators.
Nov 1, 2012 11:30pm PDT
central >> stephen: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laugh
Nov 2, 2012 10:30am PDT
applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laughter) power challenged nation, please put down the peanut butter are you licking out of your mousetrap and just listen up for a minute. i want to you hang in there. the national guard is assisting the jersey shore. governor chris christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the
Nov 1, 2012 7:00pm PDT
, things are not much better in new york. the m.t.a. reported that sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the east river. which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. (laughter) that's why i am calling on new york drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves. (cheers and applause) the point is it appears that we got manhattan wet, which i'm pretty sure voids the warranty. (laughter) and there are no lenape indians around to give us back our beads. oh, you win this time, extinct tribe. (laughter) but before the storm hit i hope you all followed my storm prep instructions. duct tape the windows, filled your bathtubs with fresh water and built an ark. (laughter) one of every animal, only females. then add one very randy poodle. (laughter) they can mate with anything, that way we repopulate the earth with a hypoallergenic animal kingdom. you get your elephant-a-poos. (laughter) your roco-doodles. they're great with kids who don't make sudden moves. (laughter) of course, with all this heart breaking devastation, there's r